I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
