I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
