I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
