I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
