decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
