eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
