Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
