I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
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