Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
