I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
