I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
