I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
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