god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
