I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
