how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
