I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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