i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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