I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
