I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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