Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
