My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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