life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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