Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
did i just pee glitter
Randomize
