yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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