Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
