even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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