Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
