u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
