Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
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