I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
