I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
