Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I need to stop coming to work sober
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Randomize
