you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
