I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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