I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
