I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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