don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
