so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
