She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
