my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
