If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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