how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
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