Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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