either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
