Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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