If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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