even my farts smell like vagina
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I want to be your penis for a week.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
