I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
