Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
