Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
