I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Randomize
